Have you ever planned, or run, a wedding? Most people have not, and many think they are perfectly capable of it anyway. So here is what a coordinator actually does on the day: holds the clock, holds the vendors, holds the details (the cards, the gifts, the placards, the envelopes), and holds the problems so the two of you never hear about them. If you don't hire one, every one of those jobs still exists on the day, and somebody you name has to carry each one.

Running a wedding is one of those jobs everyone thinks they can do, because the people who do it well make it look easy. Watch anyone who hosts a live awards show: they adjust on the fly to instant changes the way you and I change our socks, and it took them years. The million dollar question: how much help do you actually need? Can you do it yourself (no)? Should you hire a professional? Should you enlist a friend? Let's dive in.

The producer

Think of a wedding producer the way you'd think of a movie producer: first and often primarily, the financier, with heavy influence on the role players, the hires, and the budget. Often that is you and your family. Just like a small indie film, a do-it-yourself approach and a small budget may suit you fine. On the flip side, when you want a big production, you want a producer with experience.

The do-it-yourself wedding

I advise against planning a wedding yourself if you have no experience doing so. If you are going to throw caution to the wind, three things.

Time. Producing a wedding takes far more time than most people think. You will give up nights, weekends, and free time to meetings, fittings, and site visits. If you have the time, great. You may just learn something about yourself.

How much help do you realistically need? Do you have a game plan, a location, the decor, the attire? If yes, perhaps you can handle it. If those questions overwhelm you, hire a professional. In the end you'll be glad you did.

Who manages the day? Who checks the last-minute details? Who safeguards the gifts? Who is the one number every vendor calls? If not you, a professional helps, even a month-of or day-of coordinator who takes over the last stretch. Whoever you choose, name every job before the day. The Team Sheet has an Our Side section for exactly these roles: who carries the cards and gifts, who holds the envelopes, who makes the rain call, who is the vendors' one contact, and who signals the sendoff.

Working with a friend

Enlisting a friend or family member to produce your wedding can elicit a love-hate relationship (at least temporarily). First, do they have any experience? Recent newlyweds can be great fits. Don't be afraid to ask if people know what they are doing, and if they don't, don't enlist their help. Second, a friend usually won't charge you. Friends are awesome, I love them. But what if something goes wrong? Will they say, 'Hey, I wasn't paid or anything'? Be crystal clear about the role, and pay them somehow (a gift, something). Third: can you say no to this person comfortably? Will the friendship survive if things go south? If you feel any hesitation, hire a professional. It's better to keep a friend and your sanity than to lose both and have a crappy wedding.

Working with a professional

Know who you are hiring. A planner works for you from the start. A month-of or day-of coordinator works for you in the last stretch. The venue's coordinator is often excellent, and works for the venue. Then vet the person on four things.

Experience. Weddings (and most events) are a beast that is run by experience, and it shows. I can spot an inexperienced person at an event a mile away, especially when they speak in public. People with experience have that 'act like you've been there' quality, and it is virtually impossible to teach.

Personality. Some are controlling, some direct, some indirect, and none of that is wrong. Decide how involved you want to be and what kind of person you want beside you. Personality is big.

Teamwork. When does your coordinator reach out to the other providers? Early contact tells the rest of us the wedding is in good hands. One who waits causes confusion, which leads to stress.

Stories. Ask what has gone wrong at their weddings, how they handled it, and what they now do to prevent it. Do they carry an emergency kit (needle and thread, safety pins, a stain stick, a lighter) and an emergency plan? Ask about preventative measures. If they have none, I'd look elsewhere.

What usually goes wrong here

Nobody was in charge of the gifts. Two well-meaning relatives gave the DJ two different instructions at the same time. The rain call had no deadline and no decider, so it got made late, by committee. Every one of those is a role that was never assigned.

Your wedding is a day you will remember forever. Never sacrifice memories over money (I know some things are unavoidable). A small, intimate wedding can run beautifully with a capable friend and the sheet above. Anything bigger, hire a pro.

Thanks! Chuck