Two to four speakers, three to four minutes each, and a block that stays under fifteen minutes total. Do them right after the welcome and before dinner, while everyone is seated, sober enough to listen, and not yet staring at the kitchen doors. Past five minutes a speaker is losing the room; past fifteen total, the room has left, they just haven't stood up yet. And the one rule over all of it: unprepared toasts are the ones that go wrong. That has been true at every wedding I've worked. This article is about picking the right people, giving them what they need, and what I'm doing with the microphone while they talk.

WHY TOASTS GO SIDEWAYS

The formal toast gives the people closest to you a chance to say what they've been thinking since you got engaged. Some of them will spend hours writing and rewriting it. Others will wait until they're introduced and speak from the heart, short and sweet. That sounds nice, and it's usually the one that wanders into a story you didn't want told. Far too many people assume they can stand up in front of a room and wing it. I assure you that's not true. It's not that they don't mean it; it's that they didn't prepare, so it doesn't land the way it should.

PICK THE RIGHT PEOPLE

Start with the people who already assume they're speaking: the two people standing up with you, the parents or whoever is hosting, and the two of you. From there, narrow it down to who really really wants to, and then to who you really really want. Then give every one of them time. A month is fair. If someone you love is a wreck at public speaking, let them off the hook; a blessing, a reading at the ceremony, or a line in the program is a kinder gift than a microphone.

Your own toast comes first. Sixty seconds, right after the entrance: thank the room for coming, thank the people who made it happen, and hand the mic back. Then everyone else speaks after you, usually the hosts, then the attendants. If you'd like to include someone special, ask them to give the blessing before the meal; your officiant is a good option if you know them personally.

Don't ambush anyone. I know the surprise toast is a bit some people love, and I've stopped suggesting it. If you want a guest who isn't on the list to speak, ask them a week before. It can still be a surprise to the room.

WHERE THEY GO

Before dinner is my default, for the reasons above. Between courses works with a plated meal if the kitchen agrees, one speaker per gap. After dinner is the long sit; the room has been in its chairs for an hour and wants to move. Whatever you choose, the blessing follows the toasts, dinner follows the blessing, and I've told the caterer all of it.

The Toast Planner puts names, order, and minutes on one page, adds the walk-up time, warns you when the block passes fifteen, and prints a card for each speaker with their time, their minutes, and the mic rule.

WHAT I DO WITH THE MIC

I have the intro line for each speaker, written the way you want it said. I fade the dinner music to nothing before the first word and bring it up under the applause. I hand the mic and I take it back; it doesn't get passed down the head table like a dinner roll. I stand close enough to fix a mic held at the belt ("at your chin") without making a thing of it. I watch the clock.

And I ask the two of you beforehand: if a speaker is at minute eight and heading into a story you'd both rather forget, do you want me to walk over? Some couples say yes, some say let it ride. Tell me, so I'm not guessing in the moment. The open mic is a real option if you have the time and want the room involved: I offer the mic to anyone who wants it, with a cap you set, and I hold to the cap. It runs long every time unless somebody holds it.

WHAT USUALLY GOES WRONG HERE

  • The seven-minute inside joke. Nobody at table twelve was on that trip.
  • A phone in one hand and a glass in the other. Notes on paper, glass on the table.
  • The second speaker nobody told about the first. The order is on the sheet.
  • "Just one more" becomes five more. The cap is the cap.

QUESTIONS I GET ASKED

How many toasts should we have?

Two to four. Four is the most a room sits through happily.

Before or after dinner?

Before. Between courses if it's plated and the kitchen is on board. After, only if you're willing to lose some of the floor.

Do we have to give a toast ourselves?

No, but the sixty-second thank-you is the best-received thing anyone will say all night. Do it.

Like I say in all of my articles: prepare, prepare, prepare. Pick the people, give them the time and the card, put the block on the clock, and the toasts become the part of dinner people talk about for the right reasons.

Thanks! Chuck